**END**


Dear World,

It's early in the morning,too early for me to not be asleep, school or not. I had a hard time getting myself to sleep last night. Only after 4 in the morning did I get to close my eyes. It's 7 in the morning now, and I find it even harder to find a reason to go back to sleep again. So far, none of those reasons I came up with for my train of thoughts to rest are valid enough. So here I am on my bed, typing. This is going to be one very long post. I am going to open my mind and spill all of it in this post. Or to be more vivid, I am going to type down every single thing that has been glueing me to sleepless nights and my weary-eyes-but-hustle-bustle-in-the-mind days.

I wonder if this thing called emotions have any next of kins. Because that thing has been making babies in my mind - the aunts and uncles were even there during the wedding ceremony. And my mind seems to be the parent of it. Just like newborns in the middle of the night, crying out loud cos they're hungry, uncomfortable or whatever. It has gotten me to deal with it almost all the time while I'm awake. And it's definitely no easy job having to deal with it every now and then. Trust me, if you're put through that, you're even too jaded to even pee in your own pants.

So, I have been assigned to different roles in this movie in my head.Let me introduce to you the producer, me. The director, me. The crew, me again. The casts, whoa me again. The casts, they're the stars so lets get to know them deeper. The lead, we can call her Shila, no other. As for the co-star,and she has alot of names. These names are shared amongst the rest of the casts. There's Angst with a big capital A I remind you. And then there's the single-syllabled guilt . Followed by Hap the Sap. Happy yet sappy. There's Sharpey, sharp in a way you have to go figure. But there's one thing that they all share, all of em will eventually come to the same uneven terms when it comes to settling down. They all have issues just like how Tara Reid has with her tits. The name list doesn't end just there of course. The family tree gets bigger with time.

Lets start the story - which might sound narrated or script-like as well. So I name this movie Trampoline. You'll see why.


I walked down the underpath, and as expected, there we're flyers given out. God knows how much I hope there'll be 'time to save the earth' inked on the papers. I don't see the point of taking advantage of trees just because you feel it's ok to. I hope the government could ban hard copied flyers in Singapore, or better still, the whole wide world. Don't even get me started on people who spit in public.
I feel the angst. Not just for this, but for a whole lot more as well.


Sometimes I wish I'm not my kind of person. Because my kind of person gets all tied up so easily and sadly, mostly over nothing. I get angry when I'm suppose to feel all sympathetic and hassle-free. I can get angry just because dad doesn't give me money. Here's why. I am the kind of person who feels the essential of having my own savings. So if he stops giving me money, it'll definitely distrupts my plans that have been lining up to my savings. I feel that way, honestly I do. And going all bitter on your dad just because of money isn't nice.

And neither does feeling that your friend isn't your friend anymore. It's all about the trust if you have to know. It's about trusting yourself to trust this someone. It's even quite risky to give up this trust when in actual fact, historically, that person has actually impaired the strength of the trust till it actually narrowed down to none. It might just be a pair of sneakers, but it's more than just that. Let me share something about me, particularly on the 'why' side. One fine day, if I were to hand you over a temporary possesion over my property, there are reasons behind it. The reasons are simple. Bacause I trust the fact that you'd be able to take care of it,return it back to me in the same state I handed it over to you. And talking about returning, I do expect you to return it back to me, definitely, without myself asking you to. This won't be this much of an issue if it's the first you've done to me. Remember that day? That day when I told you I was studying at Macs for my test the next day. And knowing that, you still called me all the way back home just because you didnt want to set foot in town in a pair of slippers. Hell yes I was sincere because I know you'd return it back promptly. And you know that pair of sneakers have been a loyal pair to my feet for years and it means alot to me. But none of that mattered to you didnt it? All you cared about was just getting what you want at that time. So you haven't changed a single bit although I thought you did. I saw you as someone very beautiful, well, i used to. I saw how happy you were when you won first place in sports day cos you sprinted so well, and I felt just as happy. I saw alot in you when I guided you through your drawings for your artworks. Oh you don't know how good it feels like to teach someone and seeing them bloom soon after. But now, I don't see any of those. And it hurts to see it all wither like that.When this feeling comes, I just feel like giving you one tight slap in the face for that. For hurting me so much. I'm gonna leave the name field of this person as anonymous. Anyway, I'm kinda glad I'm still holding on to your boots although you'd barely wear it, as you told me. You'll know why.



Anyway, I have the brighter parts/scenes of the movie of course. I'm a student In Rp. And for students in Rp, Reflection journals are just like our daily dosage/need of/for water. To me, our daily Rjs are just the right zone for me when I'm all solitary. I feel the need of leaving my thoughts and feelings in bundles, in word forms. To be expressive, that's definitely a need. And it feels good to be credited and aknowledged through comments of the reader. And speaking of being expressive, it doesn't have to be confined in just words you know. I have been posting through pictures, why do you think so? And I have noticed how dusty my sketching pads have been, so I must do something.

To the beautiful and the not so beautiful around me, thanks for being a part of this movie. Ibu, Ayah & Kakak they're all asleep now. Abang who's in the toilet showering getting ready for a medical appointment I reckon. Faris who's in school now. Fathien who's definitely indulging sleep while she can. Nori who's getting all geared up for her exam paper today & Dee whom I think is on the way to school right about..now. Those I've mentioned above, they're definitely the beautiful ones. This might sound so cliche but..I think without you guys, I don't think I'm even 60% of me right now.
Every single day, I'd try to find different ways of voicing out this very message to you guys. A message that has points of diversity in structure. A message that in simple layman's term prints out as 'I Love You'. So I'm gonna do just that. By baking some brownies for the three girls and my family. We're gonna have an awesome picnic later girls =)

Man I sound as if I'm making a speech for an award I've won in the previous paragraph. I have just realized how much I count on music. I don't think I can even write out a single line without the line of songs I listened to. For now it's You're Not Alone by The Enemy. Keeps me smiling.
That's about it for now. What do you say to a sequel? So rate the movie, there's the tagboard. Go spill, for I'll know of your existance. I am human, a girl with the need to express herself. So know that whatever that's written here is for that purpose, and nothing else. Thank You for reading, readers.


-Shila Nasir.